Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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