We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
