when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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