fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize