I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
