Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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