i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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