Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
