Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
