i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
