just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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