Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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