Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize