it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
