btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
did i just pee glitter
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
