did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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