new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
