He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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