Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
