Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
