I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
