Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Vodka?
Forever.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
