my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
