I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just invented taco cereal.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
