She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize