When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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