I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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