There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
