So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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