She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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