I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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