I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
