I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
