We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
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