I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
