ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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