if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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