i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
