some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
