It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
