One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Watching her eat just hurts me
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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