Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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