I just threw up on my dentist
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
