I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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