Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
