also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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