the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
