Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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