So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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