if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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