The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
