Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize