my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
