Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
