and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
