um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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