Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
