i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
