you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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